


One Last Time

by Flygavioli



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Feelings, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, lots of feelings, or maybe a little comfort idk, speculations about the end of season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:42:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27556264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flygavioli/pseuds/Flygavioli
Summary: Jon didn’t technically lie to Martin. He needed to vent, that was true. It just wasn’t the same as usual. This time, it wasn’t about the domains, the Entities or the fears of the people all around the world. It wasn’t an urge demanded by the Beholding. This time, it was different, because he chose to do it.--Jon and Martin reach the Panopticon, and Jon needs a moment to think.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	One Last Time

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone !  
> Guess who kept writing instead of working for uni?  
> Anyway, I kept thinking about how the series could end, and I had an idea that broke my heart, so I guess I had to share.  
> Little reminder that English isn't my firts language, so tell me if there are any mistakes.

The large black tower was standing proud in front of them, so high it would be impossible to see the top of it, if it weren’t for the enormous eye overlooking the rest of the world, and the thousands of billions tiny ones revolving around it. The front doors were wide open, showing a large corridor and spiral stairs made of dark stones, daring the Archivist and Martin to enter.

“So, this is it, then?” Martin asked, uneasy.

“I believe so.” Jon answered, eyes focused on the top of the Panopticon.

“Do you think he’s… waiting for us?”

Jon didn’t answer immediately. He sighed. “I don’t know, Martin. Probably.”

There was a beat where neither one of them knew what to do. They didn’t want to enter, but they also didn’t want to stay there, watching the world keep burning under the surveillance of the Eye. Tension was floating in the air. A heavy apprehension about what was coming next. After a while, seeing that Jon wasn’t going to move anytime soon, Martin decided it was time.

“Well… let’s end this once and for all, then.” He said while grabbing Jon’s hand. But Jon twitched and quickly removed his hand, like the touch was burning him.

“Wait I…” He tried to form words, but his mind was a mess.

“Jon?” Martin asked worriedly. “Is… Are you alright?”

“Yes I-I just need to vent before we go.” He was feeling so guilty for the upset look in Martin’s eyes.

“What, now?”

“Yes… I’m sorry…”

“No, sorry, it’s alright.” Martin said. He reached to place his hand on Jon’s shoulder, but stopped immediately after remembering how Jon had reacted when their hands had touched. “Should I…”

“No, stay here, I’ll just… go over there. I’ll try to be quick.” He pointed a side of the tower, where he was sure Martin couldn’t hear what he was going to say. Martin didn’t look completely reassured, but he still nodded nonetheless. He sat on the doorsteps as Jon walked away.

When he was far enough to be certain Martin wouldn’t hear him, he let himself fall on the ground, back pressed against the cold and dark wall. As he expected, a tape recorder was waiting for him, already on, its buzzing nearly inaudible as usual.

Jon didn’t technically lie to Martin. He needed to vent, that was true. It just wasn’t the same as usual. This time, it wasn’t about the domains, the Entities or the fears of the people all around the world. It wasn’t an urge demanded by the Beholding. This time, it was different, because he _chose_ to do it.

Jon sighed, reached for the tape recorder, and started speaking.

“Statement of the Arch-… Statement of _Jonathan Sims_ , regarding his relationship with one Martin Blackwood. Statement taken directly from subject, on… whatever today might be. Statement begins.”

He closed his eyes, took a moment to breath and clear his thoughts.

“First of all, I’m sorry for letting you alone on these steps. I know you don’t like it, and I wish I could be there with you, but I also know I have to do this. I’m still keeping an eye on you, just in case. Not-not on your thoughts, don’t worry. I’d never do that. I’m just making sure nothings happens to you while I’m here. That’s probably the only good thing about this power, you know? Being able to see you whenever I want or whenever I need to feel close to you.”

He noticed how his hands were trembling. He raised one in front of his face, observing it, analysing it like he had just discovered a new species of some sort. A bitter laugh escaped him.

“How ironic… The monster that feeds on the world’s fears and sufferings, and now he’s the one that is scared. It feels… kinda weird. I don’t think I’ve been this scared in a long time. I- I mean, of course I’ve been scared more than once, lately, but not… Not _properly_ scared like now. This feels different.”

He paused, thinking about how to say what he needed to say. It was difficult to keep his voice steady, when a knot was forming in his throat.

“If you… _When_ you hear this, well… You already know what it means, don’t you? I tried, you know, I tried so hard to think of any other option to stop this hell. But there are none. And I’m already bound too much to the Beholding, so …”

His voice was trembling now.

“I love you, Martin. I love you so much, and I’m so sorry for leaving you alone. I don’t… _I don’t want to die._ But I can’t let this world in this state, especially when I’m the one causing all of this destruction and all of this fear.”

He took some time to calm himself, breathing in and out slowly. He smiled softly, a sad smile.

“Have I told you you’re the best thing that’s happened to me? Every time I look at you, you are the only thing that keeps me from losing the little bits of humanity I’ve got left. You are a blessing, Martin, a blessing I never deserved, and I cherish every single moment I have spent with you. Each time you smile, it warms my heart in a way you can’t possibly imagine.”

His voice was becoming frantic, and he was clearly crying now.

“I’ll miss you so much. God, I already miss you and I’m not even gone yet. I love you, all of you, the way your eyes shine when you talk about something you like, the way you fiddle with your jumper when you’re thinking, the way you always blush when I kiss you…”

He paused again, trying to compose himself as much as he was currently able. He resumed in a shaky breath.

“I need you to do something for me. Something incredibly selfish. I need you to keep living after all this is over. I need you to be happy, to _chase_ your happiness. I’m not asking you to forget, just to… move on. I know it’s going to be difficult, it’s probably going to hurt, even. But I know how strong you are, and I trust you. So please, Martin. Live a happy life. If not for you, at least do it for me.”

For a moment, he tried to clear his head, but there was too much around him, too much inside him, and it only managed to make him dizzy.

“Thank you, Martin. For all you’ve ever done for me. You’ve been there from the beginning, and you never gave up on me. I’m glad I got the chance to know you. I’m so grateful for all the time we spent together. All the times you made me tea, all the times you helped me even if I didn’t deserve it. I’ll always be thankful for our life together in Scotland, for all the times I got to hold your hand or kiss you, and all of your smiles. And I’m sorry for all the hardship you’ve been through because of me. I’m sorry for being an asshole when we met, I’m sorry for not helping you when you needed it most, I’m sorry for not remembering our stay together in Upton House, and I’m sorry for leaving you alone now.”

Tears were rolling down his cheeks.

“Those are my biggest regrets. Having spent so little time with you and now abandoning you… I wish I could offer you a peaceful life… maybe we could have lived in the safehouse, we would have found normal jobs, we would have gone for walks, see the cows…”

Still crying, he whispered, like what he was going to say was a secret no one but he and the man he loved could hear.

“I wish we could have lived the rest of our lives like that. Just the two of us.”

He brought his legs against his chest, wrapping his arms tightly around them.

“Thank you for staying with me until now, even after what I did… I know time isn’t a thing anymore, but after all we’ve been through, it feels like we’ve spent eternity together. But- but that’s a good thing, I mean, because I can’t think of anyone I would have rather spent eternity with, and… Christ, why am I so bad at saying how I feel?”

He laughed nervously as he caught the irony of his situation, being the Archivist and yet, struggling to pour his thoughts into the ever-present tape recorder.

“Anyway… I see you’re starting to get agitated back there, probably because I’m taking too long, so… I guess I should go.”

He stood up, still holding the tape recorder, but before pressing the little button that would end the recording and walking back towards his waiting boyfriend, he took a moment to contemplate his thoughts.

“One last thing.” He said. “Before I turn this thing off.”

He breathed deeply, long shiny stripes still wetting his cheeks.

“Whatever happens in there… None of it was your fault. I know you, and I don’t want you to drown yourself in guilt. You did nothing wrong. On the contrary, you were there for me and made my life a thousand times better. So, thank you for that… Goodbye Martin. I love you.”

He pushed the button, and the faint buzzing stopped. He took out the tape and shoved it in his pocket, then headed back towards the doors of the tower, where Martin was waiting for him. When Jon saw him, his heart broke a little in his chest. He knew these were the last peaceful moments they would have together before the end.

“Oh, Jon, you’re back. Good.” Martin said when he saw him, relieved. Then he noticed Jon’s red and shimmering cheeks, and concern took over him. “Hold on, are you alright?”

He didn’t have the time to continue before Jon rushed inside his arms, hugging him as tight as he could. He buried his face into Martin’s chest, into his familiar scent and comforting embrace.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m here. Is there anything I can do to help?” Martin’s voice was soothing, barely audible. His hand gently caressed Jon’s hair, in a slow and calming motion, and he could feel the shorter man slightly relax against him. “God, that really was a bad one, wasn’t it?”

Jon didn’t answer, but just nodded a little against him. When he finally managed to calm himself down, he raised his head and looked at Martin, a ghost of a smile on his face.

“Better?” Martin asked, gently cupping Jon’s cheek with one hand.

“Much better now.” The other answered, eyes closed while leaning into the reassuring touch. He took a deep breath, and turned towards the giant doors. He took Martin’s hand in his, squeezing it tightly. He was still trembling, but his tears had stopped. “Ready?”

Martin looked at him, still concerned, apprehension darkening his face.

“Only if you are.”

Jon swallowed.

“Alright then.”

He took a step forward, climbing the few steps that led to the open doors, but was stopped when Martin called from just behind him.

“Jon…”

“Yes?”

“Everything is going to be okay.”

Jon looked deep into Martin’s eyes. It was clear Martin wasn’t completely convinced about the truthfulness of his own words, but there was no doubt he was completely discarding the worst case scenario. Jon didn’t have to look inside Martin’s head to know Martin wouldn’t let _that_ happen. And that hurt so much. Because Jon knew that whatever Martin was going to do, there was no other way for it to end. Martin was not stupid, he knew a happy ending was impossible, but he was still clinging to a not-so-bad ending. And that, Jon couldn’t give him. He so desperately wanted to, but he couldn’t. It broke his heart a little more.

So, instead, he smiled at Martin.

That was probably cruel, but he couldn’t bring himself to tear his hopes to pieces. He had never lied to Martin before. It made him sick, but he had no other choice, he simply couldn’t make Martin’s sad face his last vision before dying.

And so he smiled.

“Let’s go.” He said after kissing Martin’s knuckles, their hands still entangled together, and they entered the tower.

Martin hadn’t noticed the tape Jon had furtively put in his pocket.

**Author's Note:**

> @ Jonny Sims : give us a happy ending challenge


End file.
